This morning I had a good glimpse of what lack of self is. I was offering my mom help to buy groceries after I sent Niki to the MRT when she replied with anger that it will be too late by the time i come back as she need to buy breakfast for my brother and his girlfriend. It is difficult to ignore the hostility in her tone.
I proceeded to say that actually she needs not buy any breakfast for us since that we are already all adults. But she rebuked that my brother and I were already so skinny when there was breakfast available. If there is none, she can't imagine how we will look. I was astonished by that answer and wonder why can't she just let go and stop being so unhappy. Won't it be better if she just let us handle our own breakfast? Did she think that we can't even handle it? If she is unhappy about it, why not just stop doing it and makes everyone else miserable by building a field of negativity around her.
Humans have interesting ways to make themselves feel important. All of us need someway or the other to feel wanted by other people even though at times we may loathe the process. It is an addiction to feel wanted as deep inside you may feel your existence does not matters. It seems to her that this is one of the only ways for her to feel that there is a need for her existence. To feel that she is contributing in her life.
How often have you seen people around you doing the same thing in different concepts. The need to keep a job, the need to look smart, the need to feel wanted by alcoholics. Its an illness that exists in our society. Is it because of the lack of ourselves? The lack of action to accomplish things which we always wanted to do? The lack of love about who we are that we need others to justify it? Why do many of us so not content with ourselves? Why is there a need to feel wanted?
I really believe there the root of this is the lack of self love. If you don't love yourself enough, you will need other to love you to prove that you are worthy of love. It is a paradox as the more you demand, the more obvious is your lack of self love. The act of demanding and demanding will make people shun away. In the end, you won't have anyone to love you anymore. So love yourself first and stop demanding. Love by itself is unconditional. Conditional love is not love. It is an exchange... And a miserable one.